Through Jaded Eyes: Paper Mario 2
by shamchimp28
Summary: A look back at a fun game through parody-colored glasses. Strong language and other awesome things are included.
1. Introduction

I do not own any character, location, or pretty much any other noun in this story. Or do I? (no.)

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><p>Hello. You are about to read about the tale of the time a young author playing a game while occasionally making jokes about it, possibly because your time is meaningless, or you desperately want to know that somebody is more pathetic than you. In any case, the story begins in a local Gamestop™, where a young, attractive lad who doesn't look half bad in his tinier-than-average shorts is purchasing a video game.<p>

THE AUTHOR – I'd like to buy this copy of _Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door_ please.

EMPLOYEE – Paper Mario? Did you just escape from 2005?

THE AUTHOR - *disgruntled face*

EMPLOYEE – Whatever, would you like to get a membership card with that purchase?

THE AUTHOR – No.

EMPLOYEE – How about a subscription to _Sweaty Palms Monthly_?

THE AUTHOR – No.

EMPLOYEE – Well then would you like….

45 minutes later, the offers ceased and THE AUTHOR was allowed to go home. Upon starting the game up, THE AUTHOR is greeted with a short narrative about the backstory of the game.

NARRATOR – First there was a nice town, now there's a shitty one. Also treasure.

THE AUTHOR – Awesome.

PRINCESS PEACH – This town smells like sadness and poo.

? – Missy? Come have a look at my wares.

The princess turns to see a small figure in the shadiest cloak imaginable. She clutches her rape whistle, and walks over to the small shop.

POSSIBLE RAPIST – Doesn't this small box look completely bitchin?

PEACH – Totally.

POSSIBLE RAPIST – It will only open for somebody who is pure of heart, plus I got peanut butter or something in the lock and it's starting to get moldy. If you can open it you can keep it.

PRINCESS PEACH is capable of opening the box, a fact which surprises nobody. A bright light comes out of it, and unleashes the title screen.

THE AUTHOR is then tasked with naming his save file. After 15 minutes of careful thought, he snaps his fingers and excitedly enters the word "BALLS" into the game.

THE AUTHOR – Tee hee hee! *high-fives self*

The game opens on the outside of the Mario Brothers' home. A mail-parakoopa is delivering a letter to the mailbox outside.

PARAKARRY – I'm making my cameo out here! Also, mail.

LUIGI makes himself useful by fetching the letter for his brother.

LUIGI – It's a letter from Peach, bro. Want me to read it to you?

Before MARIO could deliver the response he had planned ("No, I can read. Go make me a sandwich."), the taller brother began reading.

LETTER – Hey Mario, come to Rogueport and we'll celebrate the third day in a row that I haven't been kidnapped. Also, for some reason I sent you a treasure map too.

MARIO, seeing an excuse to leave the pathetic two-room house he shares with his brother, takes the map and sets off for Rogueport. We cut to a ship that's sailing under both the sky and the title.

THE AUTHOR, who is kind of stupid (though very attractive), spends an unbelievable amount of time watching the ship until he realizes that he's supposed to press a button. He then neatly cuts off this chapter just before the prologue starts.

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><p>Be sure to do that review thingy to send the author compliments, insults, nitpicky grammar things, apologies for said insults, consoling the author's tears, agreements to be BFFs with the author so that he'll finally stop crying, or compliments.<p> 


	2. Rogue Ports of Satan

In case you were wondering, I didn't start owning any character or location in this game since the first chapter.

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><p>We enter the scene in the dank cabin of a filthy ship that's going to seem a lot cleaner after seeing our destination.<p>

THE CAPTAIN: Excuse me... Sir?

THE CAPTAIN: Get your fat ass up! We've arrived at Rogueport!

MARIO, grabbing some nose plugs and a fistful of anti-depressants sneaks out without paying the captain of the ridiculous paper boat. He makes it about ten feet before both karma and the plot catch up with him.

?: Hey! What do you want? Get away from me, freak!

A camera pan shows us that a female goomba is being attacked by... uh… a guy who threw together a Halloween costume last minute? Jesus this villain is stupid.

PAJAMA-CLAD DUMBASS: Don't play dumb with me. Be a good girl and give me all the information you have about the plot.

GOOMBA: Lolno.

THE AUTHOR: Damn, I wish I hadn't wasted that rapist joke in the previous chapter.

FRILLY-CAPE-WEARING MORON: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Boys, we're-

GOOMBA: PFFHAHAHA! That's your evil laugh? You sound like a deaf gorilla being punched in the kidneys!

The figures advance on the goomba because she's laughing too hard to defend herself. MARIO, remembering his old family motto, ("If you ever see a guy wearing a purple Viking helmet in public, beat his ass into the ground") jumps into the action. The girl immediately trusts this stranger because she makes terrible decisions.

ASSHOLE WEARING PURPLE PANTS: Gah! It's always something... Looks like I'm going to have to give you a little taste of the old CRUMP-A-BOMB!

The girl nearly pisses herself at this battle cry.

MARIO spends the tutorial battle aggressively beating the freak with a hammer and blocking his attacks because THE AUTHOR played the first game and knows about reaction commands. After the painfully easy fight is over, a swarm of midgets wearing pillowcases shows up because why not.

SOME FOURTH NAME ABOUT THIS GUY'S STUPID OUTFIT: GET HIM!

The goons aimlessly jump toward the center of the circle like ridiculous henchmen popcorn. MARIO and GOOMBA GIRL just leave because they have the ability to rub two brain cells together, a feat that seems to be depressingly rare, as evidenced by the villain's next words.

CAPTAIN DISCOUNT UNIFORM: Buh-HUUUUUH?

Meanwhile, back with the characters that matter…

GIRL: Thanks for "saving" me back there.

She gives him a kiss and introduces herself as GOOMBELLA. MARIO is surprisingly okay with this display of interspecies action.

GOOMBELLA: Ugh, this place smells like the worst kind of homeless.

Suddenly Toadsworth wanders up. He starts talking but THE AUTHOR missed the first part because of the brutal gang fight between those tree people from Super Mario Sunshine and some sort of Mexican vulture things with spears happening in the background. (This is a kids' game? Holy _shit_.) Anyway, the gist of it goes like this;

TOADSWORTH: Mario, why are you in this diseased anus people laughably call a town? Peach sent you a map? Well that sucks because I LOST THE PRINCESS!

MARIO: *facepalm*

TOADSWOTH: Don't worry though, I have a plan. You go look for her, and I'll go get drunk at that inn from now until the end of the game.

_He does._

GOOMBELLA: Princess Peach sent you a treasure map? I smell the main plot! Let's go take it to my professor who lives here.

GOOMBELLA joined your party!

Press X to listen to her prattle on about nerd stuff! Of course, GOOMBELLA can be quite helpful in battle, too. She can beat enemies with her face because God hates goombas and gave them no natural defenses against anything. Or you can use her tattle ability to make her give you info about enemies that is _almost_ useful. Truly she is an invaluable traveling companion.

GOOMBELLA: I don't know where the professor lives, so let's just barge into every house we see until we either find him or get shot. This is what PROFESSOR EXPOSITION looks like.

She somehow manages to speak a picture right into her dialog balloon. Since THE AUTHOR can't find that particular key on his keyboard, you'll have to use your imagination.

The gang heads to the left.

OLD TOAD LADY: WAIT! Don't take a step until I find my contact!

MARIO: *step**squish*

OTL: WTF DID I JUST SAY? I'm going to take the only logical course of action and stand in front of this archway day and night and not let you pass until you get me a new one!

THE AUTHOR: Awww, that's not cool…

GOOMBELLA: We don't even have to go that way for like three more chapters.

THE AUTHOR: Oh. Well then up yours lady.

The gang heads to the right and are almost immediately robbed.

THE AUTHOR: OH COME ON!

They back track and find the thief by going to the dirtiest back alley outside of Detroit. MARIO raises his hammer, ready for what is sure to be a tough fight.

BANDIT: Here's your money back. *trollface*

GOOMBELLA: Pussy. Thieves are just the worst kind of scum.

MARIO nods in agreement while he steals the star piece in this man's home.

The gang continues toward the right once again and is stopped by one of those spear vulture guys.

GUS: Hold it. If you want to pass you'll have to either pay me or beat me.

THE AUTHOR: Can we go two goddamned seconds without being robbed or threatened?

GOOMBELLA: This guy seems pretty tough. Maybe we shouldn't fight him just yet.

MARIO couldn't hear her over the sound of the fight already starting.

MARIO used Jump!

It's not very effective because jumping on the pointy end of a spear is never effective.

GOOMBELLA used Tattle!

GOOMBELLA: Gus has 20 HP and does three damage with every attack.

THE AUTHOR: Wait, wha-

Enemy GUS used Impale On Spear!

It's super effective!

MARIO used Bleed and Cry!

It's not very effective…

GUS used Mercy Kill!

GAME OVER

THE AUTHOR used Rage Quit!

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><p>THE AUDIENCE used Review!<p>

It's super effective!


	3. In Which The Prologue Finally Ends

Sorry this one took as long as it did. I remember purchasing Assassin's Creed Revelations and then after that it's just a blur of stabbing people and neglecting my family. Anyway, I still don't own any of the characters. Yet.

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><p>Twenty minutes later, when THE AUTHOR's mother got him to stop crying, he decided to take another crack at this game. He was disgruntled to learn that he'd forgotten to save, so he would have to go through the events of the previous chapter again. You've already read that, so you'll get the fast-forwarded version.<p>

STUPIDLY DRESSED GUY: Buh!

GOOMBELLA: Ha!

TOADSWORTH: BOOZE!

ZESS T: *old person sound*

THEIF: Mine! Naw, I'm just kidding. *trollface*

GUS: Grrr!

And so here we are once again.

GOOMBELLA: Are we really going to fight this guy again? You remember what happened last time right?

THE AUTHOR: Vividly, which is why I made a quick stop before we started round two.

MARIO and GOOMBELLA use fire flowers on every turn.

THE AUTHOR: BURN MOTHERFUCKER BURN!

GUS dies in a fiery explosion, orphaning his children, shaming his family name, and gaining his own special seat in Hell where he will burn for countless lifetimes. (Or he breaks the fourth wall and then runs away, depending on whether you believe THE AUTHOR or reality).

GOOMBELLA: I'm sure that whatever's back here is really cool if they put that tough boss in front of it.

They find two guys who smell awful and three locked houses that smell awful. Seriously.

[Note: The next several pages are nothing but obscenities that the author yelled into traffic for an extended period of time. For brevity's sake, we have cut straight to the part where Mario and his new interspecies arm-candy find the home of Professor Exposition.]

GOOMBELLA: Oh finally we found you Professor. You would be surprised about how poorly this town full of gang members reacted when we walked right into their houses.

PROF. EXPOSITION: No I wouldn't. By the way Goombella, why have you brought this tubby mustached man into my home?

GOOMBELLA: …Professor, that's Mario. As in, the world-famous video game hero.

PROF. EXPOSITION: You know as well as I do that old people aren't allowed to play video games.

GOOMBELLA: Oh right, my bad. Anyway, the sooner you give us information on the Legendary Treasure, the sooner we'll get out of your house.

PROF. EXPOSITION: Sold. Some people say that it's an infinitely vast treasure hoard, while others say it's a magical item. Some books say it's actually a monster, while still others claim it's an empty chest...

THE AUTHOR: It's clearly a monster then, as this game has to have some sort of final boss.

PROF. EXPOSITION: No matter what it is, every historian agrees that to get to it, you'll need the seven Crystal Stars.

GOOMBELLA: You mean like in that old saying? "To find the treasure of yore, take the seven Crystal Stars to the Thousand-Year Door. Hold the Magical Map aloft before the entrance to the Thousand-Year Door. Then the stars will light the way that leads to the stones of yesterday."

PROF. EXPOSITION: Right. So if we don't have that map then-

MARIO, hoping to hurry up and get to the part where he fights stuff, holds up the map.

PROF. EXPOSITION: …If you already know exactly what you need to do, and you literally have a Goddamn map leading you straight to your destination, why did you need me?

MARIO opens his mouth to speak, but finds that he has no answer. There is a long, uncomfortable pause before they all wordlessly exit to go to the Thousand-Year Door. PROFESSOR EXPOSITION tears off a section of the fence outside with his… mind, I guess? Turns out the Professor is magic, who woulda thought? Anyway, after he leads the group to a pipe behind the fence, he asks them if they know their action commands. THE AUTHOR does, but accidentally chooses no, because he's kind of stupid. A tutorial begins in which MARIO is instructed to beat the shit out of GOOMBELLA. He does so with surprising glee. Nobody calls the cops because this isn't even the worst beating that's happened in Rogueport _today._

The gang makes it to the underground remains of the ancient city below Rogueport. It is a musty, terrible place that is crawling with all sorts of violent monsters. There is a constant fear that the place will cave in and crush all those who enter in a quick and bloody death, and there is a faint sense of evil and hatred that seems to be flowing up through the very Earth. In short, it's only slightly better than Rogueport. The gang meets a goomba, paragoomba, and spiny goomba who want to get into GOOMBELLA's pants (wait, does she wear pants? It's hard to tell, ah whatever).

GOOMBA: Hey, baby are you a yoshi? Cause I wanna ride you all night long!

PARAGOOMBA: Girl are you a warp zone? Cause I need to get into your pipes!

SPINY GOOMBA: Honey are you a birdo? Cause would have sex with you.

EVERYONE ELSE: …

SPINY GOOMBA: What?

MARIO and GOOMBELLA kill all three with a left-over fire flower. It's violent and awesome.

THE AUTHOR: That was easy. Goombas are so pathetic that even the weakest of people can-

GOOMBELLA & PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: :(

THE AUTHOR: Shutting up now.

In the next room, they see some foreshadowing scurry away through a crack in the wall. Then they find a wiggling, black chest.

CHEST: Hey! You! Can you hear me?

Nobody makes any indication that they can hear it.

CHEST: You can? That must mean you're the hero of legend! Only he can hear my voice!

GOOMBELLA: All three of us can hear you.

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: **THIS GUY IS SUSPICIOUS. LET'S NOT TELL HIM THAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR THE CRYSTAL STARS.**

MARIO: *facepalm*

CHEST: Searching for the Crystal Stars, are you, now? So you really are a hero. Well, you're DEFENITELY gonna need my help if you hope to get those bad boys. So, first you should look for the key to this box. Then use it to let me out. Definitely. By the way, the key looks like this: *another picture THE AUTHOR has no key for*

GOOMBELLA: What do you think we are, stupid? We'd have to be complete dumbasses if-

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: **I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ME LETTING HIM OUT OF THE BOX!**

MARIO: *double facepalm*

Before MARIO can strangle the professor, the box opens and a face that takes up the whole screen separates MARIO from his "friends".

FACE: Whee hee! Foooooooools! Because you showed me this act of kindness, I shall lay a terrible curse on you! From now on, if you press Y in certain areas, you will laugh at gravity by turning into a paper plane!

THE AUTHOR: _You bastard _wait, what.

FACE: Tremble as you reach new heights and solve puzzles that would otherwise leave you helpless! Farewell you foolish fool!

He leaves.

GOOMBELLA: Uh… thank you?

Very confused, the four heroes (THE AUTHOR is including himself, due to his massive ego) use this "curse" to enter the next room and find the legendary **Thousand-Year Door!** MARIO stands on the pedestal in the center, and wastes 70% of the special effects budget on lifting a piece of paper. He earns the location of the first crystal plot device and a special move for his trouble.

They return to the city above ground and travel about ten feet to the Professor's house. They only get mugged three times.

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: Want me to talk about special moves?

GOOMBELLA: No-

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: Imma talk about special moves.

A tutorial starts, but it's surprisingly not the most boring thing ever. PROFESSOR EXPOSITION tells you that your fights will now feature an audience that lets you do magic when you hit people, and that if you win at bingo, they will go batshit and give you lots of bonuses. THE AUTHOR was going to make a joke about how ridiculous that is, but it's actually totally bitchin. PROFESSOR EXPOSITION tells the team that the first crystal star is in Petal Meadows and that they can get there from a pipe in the underground city (even though there was a fence in front of the pipe until recently, and the professor had no way of knowing about that pipe. Don't think about it too hard).

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: By the way Mario, Peach asked me about the treasure and I told her about Petal Meadows and she's probably there.

GOOMBELLA: Why the hell didn't you tell us that earlier?

THE AUTHOR: Seriously, we could have found her by now and not have to put up with this crap!

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: If I give you a badge, will you shut up and get out of my house?

GOOMBELLA & THE AUTHOR: Hell yes.

YOU GOT POWER SMASH!

They go back through the underground until they find a room filled with water and a Blooper tentacle sticking out of it. MARIO, having an intense hatred of all things Blooper, (see also; Super Mario Sunshine) beats it with a mallet. The Blooper tries to unleash his totally justified rage, but MARIO & GOOMBELLA beat him senseless for no reason.

GOOMBELLA: _Suck it_ PETA!

For some reason, this makes platforms appear, they jump across and find a pipe that leads right into Chapter 1.

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><p>Did you guys know that for every review you send in, I'll donate a dollar to Haiti? Did you know that I like to refer to myself as Haiti? You should probably review anyway, just to be safe.<p> 


	4. The Plot Keeps Dragon On

A new chapter? And it covers all of chapter one? Santa must have thought you boys and girls were good this year. I own all of the properties listed below. My lawyers have just imformed me that I should say that the previous sentence was a lie.

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><p>GOOMBELLA: Ah, the first level is always so peaceful. A nice, calm walk through a meadow, followed by a boss fight so easy that-<p>

A BIG-ASS DRAGON sends a roar booming down to the earth, and then flies into a giant, spooky castle in the background.

THE AUTHOR: What are the odds that we (here meaning "you") won't end up fighting that thing?

GOOMBELLA: Around zero.

MARIO: *gentle sobbing*

They fight their way to the cleverly named Petalburg, because fighting their way somewhere is the only way they know how to get there.

KOOPA: Wow, visitors! Nobody has visited here ever since Hooktail showed up.

GOOMBELLA: Gee, I wonder why.

KOOPA: If you're looking for the plot, you can ask the Mayor. He's both really old and in a video game, which means he has the information you need. Just follow the yellow brick road until you see the insanely stupid pink house and then barge in without knocking.

They skip along the road, elbows interlocked. After they pass a Toad child that Nintendo uses to pimp their products-

CHILD: Hey kids! Take your parents' credit card and go buy _**FIRE EMBLEM™!™!**_Rated F for Fucking Awesome! It's so amazing that to play it, you need to wear a helmet just to keep your mind from exploding all over the walls!

-and a blue… thing with a hot-pink afro who speaks in a French accent not thick enough that you can't understand it, but just thick enough that you want to beat it in the head with a brick-

THE AUTHOR: I guess we owe Lord Crump an apology. Turns out there's a character who both looks _and _sounds stupider than he does.

-the gang breaks open the door to the mayor's house.

MAYOR: Oh Lord, it's the Reaper! I knew you'd come back for me someday!

GOOMBELLA: Calm down old man. We just need you to tell us where the Crystal Star is. I'm searching for it to locate an ancient treasure, and my friend here is hoping to find his floozy.

THE AUTHOR: And I'm just trying to get to the end of the game so that I can spend a weekend without having to update this story for those internet people.

TIN MAN: And I could really use a heart, if you've got one.

MAYOR: Crystal Star? Well why didn't you pipe up before, you ijit!

THE AUTHOR: There's no way that's a real word.

MAYOR: Hooktail's got what you're looking for. If you want it, you'll have to fight that dragon to the death.

MARIO: *uncontrolled weeping*

MAYOR: To get to the castle, you'll need to collect the broom of the Wicked Wi- I mean, the stone keys of Shhwonk Fortress.

THE AUTHOR: *patting self on the back* I am so subtle when it comes to parodies.

A few minutes later, when MARIO finally composed himself, the group continued walking in the only available direction. They had reached the gate when they were approached by a koopa with a Band-Aid on his nose/beak. He gives the term "awkward silence turtle" a new meaning. His dialogue would be recorded here, but it's mostly just sweating and babbling. Just picture Michael Cera in a microwave and you'll get the general idea.

In the field, we are treated to a new kind of enemy, Koopa Troopas.

THE AUTHOR: Finally, I'm tired of fighting Goombas all the time. These new guys are probably more difficult.

MARIO jumps on one and it flips onto its shell, where it can only wiggle helplessly while he wails on it.

THE AUTHOR: -_-

They arrive at Shhwonk Fortress and fight two rock enemies that would be difficult if THE AUTHOR wasn't awesome at timing the counterblock (ladies). Later, they arrive in the final part of the ruins. A Thwomp challenges them to a game show for the stone keys. MARIO and GOOMBELLA agree, probably because they don't realize that the handsome person controlling them is not very bright.

THWOMP: First question! What is hidden here in these ruins?

THE AUTHOR: The stone keys (thank God I remembered typing that from four seconds ago).

THWOMP: Correct! Second question! What do one Mr. Softener and one Fire Flower cost at the Petalburg shop? Total!

THE AUTHOR: Uhhhhhh… six rupees? That's our currency right?

MARIO: *headdesk*

GOOMBELLA: Why did we let him answer the questions again?

TWOMP: WRONG! Strike one! Question three! What is the name of the Mayor of Petalburg?

THE AUTHOR: *looks up, realizes he's just been calling that guy "the Mayor"* Damn. I'm gonna go with Yertle.

MARIO *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

THWOMP: INCORRECT! It was Kroop, you were thinking of that awesome Dr. Seuss book. Question four! Where is the Crystal Star?

THE AUTHOR: Hooktail Castle. I remember because Yertle told us right before we left.

THWOMP: Correct (about the castle. Yertle is still a stupid answer.)! Question five! How can one get from Petal Meadows to Rogueport?

THE AUTHOR: That's easy! You just have to beat up everybody in one direction until you're there. It's how we've been getting everywhere.

THWOMP: Close enough! Question six! Which of the following creatures have …hands?

THE AUTHOR: Well it isn't goombas, I know because I remember rubbing that in Goombella's face the entire pipe ride over here. Koopa Troopas?

THWOMP: Correct! Last question! What number question is this?

THE AUTHOR: I plead the second.

GOOMBELLA: The second amendment is the right to bear arms.

THE AUTHOR: I know. I'd feel much better with a gun right now.

GOOMBELLA: You're supposed plead the fifth.

THE AUTHOR: Fine, _Mom_. Fifth.

THWOMP: Is that your final answer?

THE AUTHOR: Yes.

GOOMBELLA: No wait-!

THWOMP: **WRONG!** It was the seventh question! MMMM HMMMM HOO HA HA! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! SO WRONG IT HURTS!

MARIO: *headdesk x100*

THWOMP: As punishment for your stupidity…

THE AUTHOR: *moves toward the wall to avoid any trapdoors to the Rancor pit*

THWOMP: You will have to fight my Clefts!

MARIO's face suddenly brightens at the mention of violence. He prepares his foot for being placed in asses.

THWOMP: If you couldn't answer some simple trivia questions, there's no way you have the brute strength to fight four Clefts at once! Tremble before their-

The Thwomp looked up to see MARIO smiling at him from the top of a small pile of bodies, hammer waiting restlessly in his hands. The Thwomp moves back to let them in the pipe, and he makes sure they all get in before soiling himself.54

The gang collects the Sun Stone and the Moon Stone from the sewers. There are some Fuzzys down there, but the less said about them, the better. They return to Petalburg to go to the secret pipe. Again, they are just past the gate when they are stopped by the Koopa.

KOOPS: Uh… I was wondering… Would you mind… Uhhh… Um… (This part goes on for a while.)

KOOPS: PLEASE LET ME FIGHT HOOKTAIL WITH YOU! My dad went to fight Hooktail but he never came home! I want to help you murder that monster!

MARIO, GOOMBELLA, and THE AUTHOR (who's still including himself, remember; ego) huddle for a team meeting.

GOOMBELLA: Did you hear that?

THE AUTHOR: This kid just volunteered to be our meat shield against a dragon.

GOOMBELLA: Which means we won't have to take any of its attacks by ourselves! What a moron!

The three of them high-five on their luck (well, THE AUTHOR and MARIO high-fived and GOOMBELLA hit their palms with her face)

THE AUTHOR: Okay, you're in.

KOOPS HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY! You can shoot his shell out like a boomerang to murder people or take stuff. This will also be the last time you ever use Goombella as your party member.

Suddenly, KOOPS' girlfriend, KOOPIE KOO appears and is mad as hell.

KOOPIE KOO: Blah blah I'm a bitch Blah!

~note: I didn't actually read what she was saying~

She attacks them and then leaves. MARIO adds a name to his hit list. They make their way to the stone pipe leading to Hooktail's Castle, MARIO uses the Moon Stone and Sun Stone, causing his Nidorino and Gloom to evolve. They open the pipe for the group.

Inside the castle, KOOPS proves how much better he is than GOOMBELLA by getting a faraway badge, instead of babbling about the current location.

GOOMBELLA: Well at least _I_ can take a hit to the head without being useless for three turns afterward.

THE AUTHOR: Touché.

Further inside, after moving through a hallway of Koopas that all died in the exact same position, KOOPS take interest in a blue-shoed skeleton.

KOOPS: There's no doubt about it, this is my father!

GOOMBELLA: How can you possibly recognize somebody by their bones?

KOOPS: He was the only guy in the village who didn't shop at the green shoe depot. He chose to wear these blue suede ones because he was a huge fan of Elvis. Hey wait, my father's holding a note!

NOTE: Hooktail can't stand the sound of creatures that start with 'cr' and end with 'icket'. Hidden somewhere in this castle is an item related to Hooktail's weakness. My last words go to my son, Kolorado: I love you, and I'm proud of who you've become.

KOOPS: Wait, Kolorado? That's not how you spell 'Koops' at all. *crumpling up note* Up yours, Not-Dad.

He spits on the bones a few times for good measure. Meanwhile, THE AUTHOR tries to think, causing him no small amount of pain.

THE AUTHOR: "cr"…"icket"? It'll take some sort of genius to figure this out, but we'll have to if we want to beat Hooktail.

THE AUTHOR sits cross-legged on the ground and hums loudly and tunelessly, trying to channel Professor Layton.

GOOMBELLA: Should we tell him, or…

MARIO raises a hand to silence her. He gestures for the other two to follow his lead before tip-toeing away before THE AUTHOR opens his eyes. At the other end of the hall, the trio celebrates their newfound freedom by attempting to go around a red skeleton. They fail completely.

RED BONES: Get them!

Thousands of living skeletons flood the hallway. Normally, the team would be hampered by THE AUTHOR's blind panic, but MARIO knows that this problem, like any other, is solved through violence. He beats his way through the crowd to the RED BONES and enters a fight.

KOOPS: Don't worry guys! I'll hit them all at the same time with my-

He's cut off by MARIO's Fire Flower.

KOOPS: …power shell…

GOOMBELLA: We're going to be so dead whenever we run out of those.

After seeing that the swarm of skeletons didn't break THE AUTHOR's trance, the gang continues onward. Several annoying block puzzles later, they enter another door.

GOOMBELLA: This has been a really unique level so far. I hope we're not interrupted by any old plot points.

BLACK CHEST: HEY GUYS!

GOOMBELLA: Oh _Christ._

BLACK CHEST: You can hear me? You must be the legendary hero!

GOOMBELLA: We already know that that's a bunch of horseshit.

BLACK CHEST: Oh. Well… there's candy in here. If only somebody would let me out so I could share it with you guys.

He had barely finished when all three of them started sprinting into the next room to find the key. They find it in a chest in the middle of the floor.

KOOPS: Well that was easy. Things must finally be starting to look up for us.

Spikes extend from the floor and ceiling.

KOOPS: Uh…

The ceiling begins to lower.

KOOPS: WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

KOOPS runs around and screams at the top of his lungs, like the pussy he is.

GOOMBELLA: I bet I can use my special ability to help! This room of Hooktail castle was added in 1786 to store prisoners during the great Yoshi/Bob-omb war of…

GOOMBELLA prattles on about nothing, like the nerd she is.

MARIO exhales a shuddering sigh, then he grabbed his useless party members (who were still emitting urine and exposition, respectively) by the collars and slowly drags them through the spike maze back to the door. The puzzle is painfully easy and he reaches the exit with twenty seconds to spare. They enter the room with the BLACK CHEST and MARIO smacks the other two to shut them up. He unlocks the chest.

FACE: WEE HEE HEE! FOOOOOOOOLS!

He stops when MARIO smacks him as well. The face takes one look at the plumber's patented "I don't have time for your shit" stare and apologizes immediately.

FACE: Please don't eat me. Here, have a new ability!

The screen flashes a few times, then the face flees in terror.

MARIO gained the exciting new ability to turn sideways! (seriously)

MARIO: -_-

They use this ability to slip through some cage bars and acquire a badge. It turns all of MARIO's attack sound effects into crickets.

GOOMBELLA: This must be Hooktail's weakness. Somehow.

They continue to use the new ability to get to even more tedious block puzzles. Eventually, they stumble into a room full of chests being robbed by a mouse. She/it flirts with MARIO, something he's gotten used to by now. KOOPS tries to flirt back to her but the keyboard absolutely refused let that awkwardness be typed on it. She reveals that her name is Mrs. Mowz, kisses MARIO, and leaves.

GOOMBELLA: Slut.

KOOPS: Didn't you do the same thing when you joined the party?

GOOMBELLA: …Slut.

Soon, the group is hitting the save block outside of Hooktail's room.

GOOMBELLA: This is going to be easy since we have the badge that makes Hooktail weak.

HOOKTAIL: Who dares approach me? Imma eatchu punks up.

KOOPS: We aren't afraid of you! We know your weakness!

MARIO charges in first and hits HOOKTAIL with his hammer. It makes a regular hammer noise.

GOOMBELLA: Holy crap, we forgot to put on the badge.

?: I'll save you!

Handsomely, the attractive AUTHOR makes his sexy return.

THE AUTHOR: It's 'cricket'! Hooktail is weak to crickets! I solved the riddle!

GOOMBELLA: We already… *sigh* Very good job there sport, but we forgot to put on the badge.

THE AUTHOR: NOT TO WORRY!

Mustering up all of his handsomeness, THE AUTHOR presses the reset button. Sexily.

Soon, the group is hitting the save block outside of Hooktail's room, again.

GOOMBELLA: This is going to be easy since we have the badge that makes Hooktail weak.

THE AUTHOR: We should remember to equip that first.

They do!

HOOKTAIL: Who dares approach me? Imma eatchu punks up.

KOOPS: We aren't afraid of you! We know your weakness!

MARIO charges in first and hits HOOKTAIL with his hammer. It makes a cricket noise.

HOOKTAIL: Oh no! Whenever I hear crickets, I think of that time that I got really bad food poisoning from one lousy cricket. Even though due to my huge digestive system, it would be like a human getting sick from a grain of rice. It's pretty confusing now that I think about it.

They continue to wail on the dragon with hammer strikes, shell tosses, and talking about the enemy.

GOOMBELLA: The width of Hooktail's genita-

THE AUTHOR: Nobody cares.

HOOKTAIL: Okay I give up! To show you how serious I am, I'll give you 1,000 coins! Despite the fact that you've been in every single room in my castle and you know that I don't have that anywhere, surely you'll accept!

THE AUTHOR: Of course we accep- *mouth hit by MARIO's hammer*

GOOMBELLA & KOOPS: Keep your coins, fiend!

This happens two more times, HOOKTAIL's promises being a rare badge and letting them smell the bottoms of its feet (?).

When the group says no to these things (THE AUTHOR was still picking up his teeth), HOOKTAIL eats the audience to regain health.

GOOMBELLA: Our magic star power-restoring machines! You monster!

They finish the boss battle with one power bounce and a shell toss, because action commands are awesome. HOOKTAIL's unconscious body makes one last move as it throws up a blue shell. MARIO flinches because blue shells always explode on him when he's winning at go-kart races, but instead, a Koopa with a sweet beard comes out of it.

KOOPA: That oughta show ya, ye bastard!

KOOPS: Daddy it's you!

KOOPA: Aw crap, it's tha' pansy that kept eatin' me food and who wouldn' leave me house.

KOOPS: You mean you didn't like living in the village with me and the others Dad?

KOOPA: O'course not! Why else would I choose to fistfight a dragon instead of be thar one more day? I woulda beaten the ole bastard too, but I got distracted by how amazing my own beard looked.

KOOPS: Waaaaaahhhh!

MARIO, GOOMBELLA, and THE AUTHOR liked this guy a lot.

Bored, the Koopa turned his attention to MARIO.

KOOPA: Here, take this. I was going to use it as a trophy to impress tha ladies when I beat HOOKTAIL, but I think I'll use these instead.

He tossed MARIO the Crystal Plot Device, and then he went over to HOOKTAIL's lifeless body and tore out the wings.

KOOPA: I'd stay longer, but those bitches aren't going to fuck themselves. TALLY HO!

He jumped out of the window with one wing in each hand and flew off into the sunset.

GOOMBELLA: I wish to have his mutant babies.

MARIO and THE AUTHOR, both slack-jawed, could only nod their silent agreement that, they too, would like to have his mutant babies.

* * *

><p>I can't think of a more fantastic note to end this chapter on than mutant offspring. As always, remember that if you don't review, you'll make Jesus cry. Merry Quanzanukkahmas everybody!<p> 


	5. A Real Puni shing Chapter

THE AUTHOR: Here's the newest chapter, right on time!

AUDIENCE: -_-

THE AUTHOR: Well... it's _a_ time anyway.

AUDIENCE: -_-

THE AUTHOR: ...Yeah, I know.

* * *

><p>We open on PEACH being escorted into the room of the main villain because, and you might want to sit down for this one, it turns out she has been kidnapped.<p>

X-NAUT: O great, exalted Grodus! We have brought the Princess Peach you ordered, sir!

GRODUS: Well, well, well, my pet… Isn't it about time you told us where the map is?

PEACH: Wow. Your first five words in the series and you're already calling me your pet. I think you've just set a new speed record on creepiness.

GRODUS: Princess Peach. You will speak when spoken to.

PEACH: I… just did, but okay.

GRODUS: We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.

PEACH: Not that I don't believe you, but that would probably be more convincing if you didn't just use a couple of 3"4 guys in bright costumes to bring me here. You're like a robotic Willy Wonka, only less threatening.

A hologram opens up in the middle of the room.

X-NAUT: Dude, Crystal Star's gone.

GRODUS: What? Someone else is after the Legendary Treasure?

PEACH: Oh come on! Mario's just going to go treasure hunting instead of rescuing me? I know he does it all the time, but you'd think it would be a _little_ higher on his priority list.

PRINCESS PEACH is sent back to her room and we're given a sneak peak of future villains. They look like purple blobs of Play-Doh in wizard hats. It's sad that this is an improvement. Meanwhile, in PEACH's room, you can make her take a shower, because Nintendo knows that there are people with a fetish for animated paper figures, and they're considerate enough to appeal to that demographic. She leaves the shower with a ponytail, but apparently gets bored with that somewhere in between that room and the next one. She finds that the door to her cell opens of its own accord and she follows the hallway to a small room.

COMPUTER: Hello Princess Peach. I am TEC. I have been watching you.

PEACH: Is there some sort of contest going on to see which one of you can sound the most like a sexual predator? That was good, but I'm still going to give this one to the fat robot.

TEC: While I was watching you earlier, I felt an unidentified impulse speed through my processors.

PEACH: Never mind, you pulled ahead.

TEC: I brought you here to teach me what love is.

PEACH: What, are you insane? You X-Jerks kidnapped me like common Koopas!

TEC: Wow… that was surprisingly racist.

PEACH: I should at least get to use your communicator to give directions to the guy who's going to get here and kick all of your asses.

TEC: I don't see how that could possibly backfire.

PEACH begins to type a message, but quickly shortens it because TEC starts to moan loudly while she types on his keyboard.

**MEANWHILE, AT THE WEIRDLY LONG HALL OF INJUSTICE**

BOWSER: _Damn_, I'm feeling handsome today.

KAMMY: Your-

BOWSER: Eww, you smell like old people.

KAMMY: Your assholishness, Mario's hunting treasure.

BOWSER: So?

KAMMY: _Magic_ treasure.

BOWSER: TO THE BOWSERMOBILE!

**MEANWHILE, AT THE VILLAGE OF BEARDED JUSTICE**

KOOPS' FATHER: And that's how Theodore Roosevelt and I invented shark-boxing.

EVERYONE: Hooray!

The gang leaves the koopa village and MARIO's Mailbox SP rings.

Dear Mario,

Back off bitch, she's mine.

-TEC

KOOPS: What the…

MARIO: *shrug*

They return to the Thousand-Year Door and hold the Crystal Star in front of it. A location appears on the map that none of them recognize. Even though it's a map, and should tell them how to get there anyway.

GOOMBELLA: I know who we can ask for help!

THE AUTHOR: Crrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaa-

**MEANWHILE, AT THE HOUSE OF NERDY JUSTICE**

PROFESSOR EXPOSTION: The answer is crystal clear!

THE AUTHOR: -aaaaaaaaaaaap.

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: The next Crystal Star looks like it's in a tree.

KOOPS: Yeah, we'd puzzled that much out ourselves.

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: Well then what are you waiting for? Go get it

GOOMBELLA: Well we don't know which tree it's in.

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: I think I know a good place to start looking.

GOOMBELLA: Where?

PROFESSOR EXPOSITION: Out of my damn house.

Back in the sewer, the team uses their amazing new power to turn sideways (sigh) to follow what appears to be a grey potato tied to a firefly into a new room.

THING: Don't eat me!

THE AUTHOR: *taking it out of his mouth* Sorry.

THING: I am a Puni who was named Punio because my parents were awful people. I have come to this strange land to find a group of charmingly quirky warriors who will learn to put aside their differences over the course of an adventure and drive the X-Nauts out of our tree.

GOOMBELLA: Violence you say? Take us there.

HE DOES!

They wander through BOGGLY WOODS until they come across the wizard globs of grape jelly known as the SHADOW SIRENS teaching the children playing this game a lesson about emotional abuse.

VIVIAN: Look, I found pearls!

BELDAM: _**BURN IN HELL!**_

They walk right past them, because the villains of the game think that IQ points work like golf scores. PUNIO leads them all to The Great Tree, but it turns out that a new door has been installed at the entrance that PUNIO can't open.

THE AUTHOR: But, how can we slaughter people if we can't get inside?

PUNIO: We could use the invisible secret entrance.

THE AUTHOR: Awesome! Where is it?

PUNIO: I don't know.

MARIO restrains THE AUTHOR before he can bite PUNIO to death.

PUNIO: But I bet Madame Flurrie can help us find it!

KOOPS: I smell a new party member!

GOOMBELLA: Lead on, tiny slave!

HE DOES!

They arrive at a house in the middle of the woods.

KOOPS: Why is there a house in the middle of the woods?

THE AUTHOR: Why aren't you as cool as your father?

KOOPS: Aww…

PUNIO: Madame Flurrie? We need your help.

FLURRIE: Not until you get me my necklace.

THE AUTHOR: Sidequest unlocked. ONWARD!

THE AUTHOR attempts to ride PUNIO back outside, but they collapse by the front door and don't get up. The other three leave without them.

**MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF PLOT ADVANCEMENT**

BELDAM: And if you look at this other flowchart, you'll see fifty more reasons why Vivian is awful in every way.

MARILYN: Guh.

VIVIAN'S sobbing is interrupted by the arrival of the heroes.

GOOMBELLA: We're here for the necklace!

BELDAM: This thing? Take it.

GOOMBELLA: I thought you might try something like- wait, really?

BELDAM: If it'll make Vivian unhappy, you can have anything you want.

GOOMBELLA: Oh. Well… awesome.

KOOPS: What a swell bunch of guys they were.

MARIO: *nod*

The gang walks back into the house of Madame Flurrie.

THE AUTHOR: And if you look at this other flowchart, you'll see fifty more reasons why Koops is just the worst.

PUNIO: Guh.

GOOMBELLA: We got the necklace.

FLURRIE: Really? Just slip it under the door; I'll be out in a second.

The gang eagerly awaits their new party member.

GOOMBELLA: What do you guys think she'll be?

THE AUTHOR: Perhaps she's a better koopa.

KOOPS: You understand that I can hear you, right?

The door creaks open and they all lean forward in anticipation. A hovering, bloated marshmallow wearing enough makeup to drown a whale enters the room.

KOOPS: What.

GOOMBELLA: The.

THE AUTHOR: Fuck.

FLURRIE: Oh how could I ever thank you for this? Perhaps if I grabbed you and gave you a little sugar?

MARIO doesn't respond, unless you count vomiting.

FLURRIE kisses MARIO despite repeated kicks to the face. He passes out while trying to punch the taste out of his mouth.

FLURRIE: Now how about we go back to that tree to open that secret entrance?

THEY DO!

The gang finally gets inside the tree.

FLURRIE: Oh how I just adore these squishy little things!

THE AUTHOR: No. I refuse to let you exist in this story. I'm not going to talk about you unless it's absolutely necessary.

Our group of four, err… three heroes, an author that won't leave them alone, and whatever PUNIO is, are suddenly besieged by an entire two X-Nauts.

X-NAUT 1: Hey dude, isn't that Mario over there?

X-NAUT 2: You mean the guy famous for tearing his way through entire armies of henchmen just like us?

X-NAUT 1: Yeah.

X-NAUT 2: The guy that we have explicit orders to not engage in combat with and instead report back to Lord Crump ASAP?

X-NAUT 1: That's the one.

X-NAUT 2: Let's kick his ass!

THEY DO!

Oh… wait… no. No they don't. Not even close.

X-NAUT 1: OH GOD MY LEGS!

X-NAUT 2: There's… *cough* there's _so_ much blood.

They crawl away through puddles of their own blood and tears.

?: That was awesome!

MARIO & CO are swarmed by a bunch of PUNIS.

KOOPS: Ew, they're tiny.

THE AUTHOR: Heh, I didn't notice until I had to type it, but "punis" is only one letter away from-

FAT PUNI: How do we know we can trust this guy? He could be one of them!

GOOMBELLA: Right, because if there's one thing X-Nauts are known for, it's beating up X-Nauts. You must be the dumbest Puni here.

PUNIO: I see you haven't met the Elder yet. By the way Puniper, where are all of the villagers that aren't chubby assholes?

PUNIPER: Those guys locked them all up. Tell you what, if you guys go free them, then maybe we'll help you.

PUNIO: Why would we need your help after we've already rescued everybody?

KOOPS: Why would we need your help _ever_?

PUNIPER: Because you can't get to the Crystal Star without absolutely everybody.

Annoyed, the gang goes to look for the other Punis. They literally go about thirty feet before finding them trapped in two cages. Needing the keys, they go into the next room and find a single unconscious X-Naut.

GOOMBELLA: My whore senses are tingling…

MS. MOWZ: I came here to look for rare badges, but then I realized that this is a tree.

GOOMBELLA: Oh look, it's Skanky McSlutslut. What happened, did your street corner get too crowded?

MS. MOWZ kisses MARIO and then leaves. The X-Naut wakes up and fights our heroes, putting them through what is probably their toughest- oh wait he's already dead. Anyway he drops a key. They open one of the two cages and are rewarded by being yelled at by the trillion-year old ELDER.

ELDER: How could you rescue me and not your sister?

PUNIO: Because we had the key to your cell but not hers?

ELDER: How dare you respond to me in a reasonable way!

This continues for several hours. Eventually, they all go back to the entrance to talk to the other punis.

PUNIPER: I'm still not going with you.

THE AUTHOR: Good.

ELDER: You're going with them and that's final.

*10 punis joined your party* (…Hooray?)

ALL: Crap.

The combined weight of the punis activates a pressure pad which makes a new pipe spring up. The gang encounters a JABBI, which is a… let's go with "thing" that allied with the X-NAUTS against the punis. It runs into its nest and our heroes decide to beat up its entire family. They do, and it's hilarious. They are rewarded with a key.

PUNIO: Now we can finally save my sister!

PUNIPER: No one cares.

THEY DO! (Save Punio's sister that is, not care)

PETUNI: Punio, you're so cool.

PUNIO: Shut up baby, I know it.

*90 Punis joined your party*

KOOPS: Can we _please_ get the Crystal Star now?

PUNIS: Not until we beat up all 100 of these Jabbis!

KOOPS: Ugh!

The 200 tiny things all start to beat the crap out of each other. It's pretty awesome.

GOOMBELLA: Yes, yes! Go right for their tiny little eyes!

The punis win, obviously, and celebrate by destroying the Jabbis' home, dooming them all to be massacred by the monsters that inhabit the Great Tree. Anyway, the gang parades onward and finds another pillar marking a pressure pad. The punis gather on it and suddenly a cage springs up around our heroes.

VOICE: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh!

THE AUTHOR: No…

VOICE: Man, you guys are dense! Brilliant little trap, huh? And BOY, did you bite on it!

LORD CRUMP waddles up, trailed by two X-NAUTS.

THE AUTHOR: No. No no no no. No. I refuse.

LORD CRUMP: Anyway, with you fools out of the picture, I can take my time hunting for the Crystal Star!

LORD CRUMP walks away laughing.

THE AUTHOR: Were we just outsmarted by…

FLURRIE: A… moronic bundle of walking children's costumes?

PUNIO: What are we gonna do, Mario? …Mario?

The group all looks to their mustachioed leader and find him shaking, his face red with rage.

PUNIO: M- Mario? You okay, buddy?

MARIO slowly turns to face the others. They look into his pupils and see naught but endless corridors of Hellfire. MARIO blinks and everyone present hears the faintest sound of a heavy metal power ballad from seemingly miles away.

GOOMBELLA: I've been reading the strategy guide for this game and I don't think this part actually-

THE AUTHOR: Shh! I'm focusing all my writing muscles.

MARIO slowly begins to sink downward through the floor which is melting under his feet. He falls through to the basement in time to see LORD CRUMP nabbing the Crystal Star.

LORD CRUMP: Buh? I don't know how you escaped, but you're too late! This Crystal Star is already mine!

LORD CRUMP presses a button and a timer starts. He runs all the way back through the Great Tree to the entrance only to find MARIO waiting for him.

LORD CRUMP: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! You guys are nuts, you know that? Oh, well. Guess I'd better shut off this timer. OK, you pests! One pummeling, coming up...with extra fists! Metal fists, that is!

LORD CRUMP retreats to his FRILLY PINK GUNDAM and prepares to launch an attack on MARIO when he's cut off by MARIO'S LASER VISION which severs the cockpit off of the GUNDAM. MARIO yanks LORD CRUMP out of his seat and begins beating him in the face with his hammer. Hours pass before he stops. Finally, MARIO lets out a sigh and heads for the exit of the level. His companions rush to grab the Crystal Star and follow him.

PUNIO: Be sure to come back and visit!

ALL: Hell no!

* * *

><p>THE AUTHOR: Bam! Another chapter down in a realistic and canonical manner.<p>

GOOMBELLA: ...

THE AUTHOR: What?

GOOMBELLA: You're sure that's how it happened?

THE AUTHOR: Of course.

GOOMBELLA: What about the Super Boots? Or Jabble the Jabbi? Or more than just one line of characterization from Petuni?

THE AUTHOR: LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA!


End file.
